I say sorry too often.
Especially when I am uncomfortable. Or tired. Or anxious.
I apologize for what I say, how I say it, if I hurt someone. If I saw someone’s body language shift.
Apparently this is not uncommon. Rachel Hollis famously authored the book “Girl Stop Apologizing”. I have an actual necklace that says “Not Sorry.” There are quotes about taking up space. About owning our voices. About teaching girls to stand up for who they are instead of always being polite.
So why is it so hard to shift this behavior?
I have a colleague/ coach/ friend/ tough love pioneer who calls me out on my constant apologizing whenever he sees it on a call or in a meeting. Sometimes it’s hard to hear and I have about 247 excuses. But he’s always right – I diminish myself when I apologize for my thoughts and insights.
SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING IT?
History tells me that I am a super independent, successful, accomplished person. I’ve run marathons and brought new ideas into reality and organized a bajillion things and bought a house ON MY OWN. I’ve spoken to rooms full of people about my mental health journey and stepping into a reimagined life.
I KEEP DOING IT ANYWAY.
Part of the purpose of this post was to force myself to reckon with this behavior pattern. And today, just as I sat down to write, this article from Chief came sailing into my inbox. Entitled, “Respect Me, Maybe? How ‘Soft’ Language Could Be Hurting Your Career” it centers around how women downplay themselves at work. The biggest lessons for me?
- Women tend to use “features” include hedges like might, seems and possibly, overt politeness, empty qualifiers, tag questions that seek confirmation such as “right?” or “isn’t it?”, and intensifiers like “so” or “really.”
- Our choice of words depend on existing power dynamics and speech patterns, which are both conscious and unconscious. Women tend toward “soft language” in an effort to be approachable.
- Women end up in a double bind when they behave in a way that is not soft or unexpectedly masculine. And people don’t like it (think Hillary Clinton).
- We must deconstruct our double voices – that is we need to start being AWARE of the way we speak in order to make changes.
What’s my takeaway overall? A long ingrained behavior is going to take time to change. And it starts with awareness. So that’s what I’m going to do. Start with awareness about my behavior. And DECIDE what I want to change. Because I like my softness. I like my femineity. The wonderful part… I don’t have to give up either of those things – I get to be a walking, talking ampersand – yes. and.