I am a very, very, very feeling person. Full stop.
For a long time, I tried to make that part of myself disappear – like it was a bad habit that just needed the right tool / focus / willpower to solve this massively embarrassing problem. If I read enough books or took enough classes or focused REALLY hard I could shrink my feelings and be just like everyone else.
I tried controlling my schedule and blocking time so I wouldn’t get overstimulated and overwhelmed.
I tried over-controlling meetings and situations and interactions.
I tried “acting as if” until I changed enough.
I read Atomic Habits and Switch and Emotional Agility.
And none of that worked. I was still a deeply feeling person in a world where that was not a valuable trait.
Along the way, I did learn something important – I have MUCH more control of my thoughts and reactions than I thought. I can’t necessarily control the intensity of my reactions, but I can ride through them and know they will pass. I’ve started to think of it like standing in the waves in the ocean.
The emotion rises.
I watch it come.
And I decide what to do.
I can choose to dive under, roll up, or allow it to Maytag me (my mom’s phrase for being tumbled in the surf). Whichever I pick, it becomes my decision, my way of sifting through whatever is flowing over me.
Interestingly enough, the people who love me, love me either way. They see the depth of my feelings as a gift. Those who don’t, weren’t going to. Just like I couldn’t force my feelings to go away, I can’t make someone love me. I can only be myself and hope I’ve done well.
Today was a hard day. Someone who hurt me deeply appeared at my front door unexpectedly and would barely utter a hello. They were same person they have always been – cruel and angry. It took me 3 hours for the wave to pass. But it passed – it didn’t Maytag me or drag me into the torment or send me to bed crying for days. I consider that progress.
Change comes in waves.
If you need me, I’ll be in the sea.